interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Tremendous stuff
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.