interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

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Friend: You’ll find love again.


Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.


*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!


[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*


I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.


Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.


before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life