Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The struggle is real.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
wtf is an acronym
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.