interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.