Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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What do you hear?
This is a true ally.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
#polloftheday
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??