—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake