Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
How software testing works
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!