Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Whoops

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.