Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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😂😂😂
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.