Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
went fishing caught a bass
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.