Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one