interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Mornin
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict