Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
You Might Also Like
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t get marriage