Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I would like even faster food.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!