Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
He-man has a Masters degree
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.