interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Succinctly put.