Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.