Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19