interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
When they try to steal your moment.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends