interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Beware…..
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.