interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”


My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.


[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]


absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.


me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me


*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.