interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”