Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I want this so bad
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Does it…does it take 3 days
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.