Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You Might Also Like
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.