INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
twitter users today:
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”