INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.


VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?


6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.


[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what


They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed


A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.


Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”


ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.


I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.