INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
the short answer to this question
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table