interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep