Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
be careful
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me: