Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.


if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel


HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend


My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!


mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?


How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.


Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.


Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours


i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.