@karanbirtinna

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@Traceyband8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@emanbelanger

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

@tiReynard

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

@sweet_toof

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.