Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.