Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what鈥檚 a 7 letter word for evident
him: it鈥檚 obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn鈥檛 be asking would I
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It鈥檚 part of the beard now
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
god has let me live another day and i鈥檓 about to make it everyone鈥檚 problem
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don鈥檛 you use the rolls that you鈥檙e buying
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old鈥檚 shouting
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That鈥檚 salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can鈥檛 keep your leggings out of its toe
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American鈥檛 and I鈥檓 officially applying to move to Mars now
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
having a bad day today. 馃様 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain鈥檛 gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I鈥檓 fifteen
In a post-apocalyptic world, I鈥檇 be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You鈥檒l think, is that a man or a woman? It won鈥檛 matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?