INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
😏😏😏
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.