Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
is this a warning or an offer?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
me refusing to leave twitter
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not