@fckboyseatpizza

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

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@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@velvettusk

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

@OGPoutyMcgee

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

@SvnSxty

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@TheHyyyype

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@seamussaid

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists