Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.


Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.


some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying


I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.


[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*


Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%


Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists