Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*