Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?