Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea