Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.