Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.