Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”


We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.


My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*


zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God


Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man