INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.