interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Born to be mild.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
🤣could you imagine
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life