Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
cause of death:
autopsy.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*