Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want