Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*


I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.


Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside


{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?


Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.


-Come on, it’s time to go


-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!


Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!


I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.


me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken