@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

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@SortaBad

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

@FlyJ_

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

@GingerHotDish

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@FatherWithTwins

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

@Aspersioncast

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken