INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
real
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live