Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
What even happened today?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“How’s your day going?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app