INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”