INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
it be like that
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.