@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

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@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@ericsshadow

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

@jakelikesnaps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@WheelTod

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

@bvb1123

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.