@HollyMemphis Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
@kiel_phillips INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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@HollyMemphis 
@daemonic3 I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
@chuuew ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
@navanax I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
@HatfieldAnne *switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
@ericsshadow [eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
@jakelikesnaps [gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
@TheToddWilliams ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
@WheelTod *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
@bvb1123 My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.