Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.