Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Actually cracking up @ this
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!