INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it