interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you