Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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Yet another thing they should鈥檝e saw coming
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Some girl I don鈥檛 even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 馃巿 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Please don鈥檛 ride with me if you鈥檙e gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You鈥檒l make me nervous.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.