Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I love the National Park Service.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN